There are papers scattered on my coffee table. More on the dining room table. The dishes in the dishwasher need to be put away. The laundry from last week needs to be put away, too. That is, before I start doing this week’s laundry.
I need to clean. I need to do the laundry. I need to put the dishes away. I have homework to do. A project to work on. Groceries to buy.
It’s too much. My chest is tight. My heart is racing. I feel like I can’t breathe.
This hasn’t happened in a while. I don’t mean the mess, but I mean my anxiety. I’ve been feeling so much better lately. I’ve stayed focused on what’s important. I haven’t been letting the little things get to me.
But as I sit on my couch, typing this, I stare at the papers on the table, and I can’t bring myself to get up and move them. It’s as if once I start cleaning, even just a little, I won’t be able to stop. But it’s late. It’s 10:35pm. Too late to start cleaning my whole house. But my other option is to stew. To worry about how much I have to do tomorrow.
Why is this hitting me now? Is it because the holidays are coming up? Because the dosage of my medication got cut in half? I think it’s more the holidays than it is the meds. Or maybe the higher dosage was doing more than I thought it was. I thought I was in control, but maybe I wasn’t.
I should be going to bed right now. Or doing homework, since I’m obviously not going to bed. But I need to get some stuff out.
- I could have literally cried when I got home today. My living room is currently being remodeled (used to be a garage, but they tore down the walls and now it’s gonna be a living room). Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to amazing once it’s finished. But they were sanding walls today and there was dust EVERYWHERE. A lot of it. In a very thick layer. Which meant I had to spend 45 minutes wiping down all the kitchen counters before I could even get around to cooking dinner. Which meant dinner was super late because it took an hour to bake. Which meant I got to spend pretty much no time with my daughter, who was frustrated that I was busy and couldn’t spend time with her. Not to mention the fact that I had to change the sheets on her bed right before bedtime because even her bed got dusty.
- I’m lonely and I’m currently feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone. While I understand that these things aren’t true (and I’m not writing this so anyone takes pity on me), it’s hard not to feel that way from time to time. I work hard. I’m smart. I’m attractive. I’m a loving and caring person. But here’s the thing. I’m sassy. And overtime I meet someone, they think it’s sooo great, and they tell me I have such a great sense of humor and blah blah blah. Then, a few months down the road, it becomes a problem. The thing about me that was once so great suddenly isn’t, and I can’t do a damn thing about it because that’s literally who I am. But I also am aware that I use my sarcastic attitude as a defense mechanism. If I’m constantly making jokes about things, then nobody ever knows how I really feel, and I won’t get hurt. It takes a while for me to trust people and for my walls to come down, and it’s not until said walls are down that I show how much I really care about someone. But I have yet to find someone (other than my closest friends, of course) who is willing to stick around long enough for this to happen. My sassiness becomes a problem and Boom. They’re gone.
- I am so fucking busy and I hate only having two days to ‘recoup’ from the week and get everything done that I need to get done. Seriously. I am quite literally trying to maintain working full time, parenting full time, going to school full time, spending time with my family, and spending time with my friends. I stay up doing homework every night, and often on the weekends as well. I’m so happy to be going back to school, and I actually enjoy the classes I’ve been taking, and I’m excited about where my education will take me in the future, but I have a heavy load this term and it’s really taking its toll. But I also like spending time with my friends. And I like spending time with my family. Then comes Sunday when I have to do laundry, clean, grocery shop and whatever else because I actually decided to do what I wanted-not what I needed- on Saturday. Then I have to feel guilty about having fun because now I’m overloaded with chores and errands. My stress and anxiety is through the roof. It’s bullshit and I’m over it.
Please note, I do not write these things down so anyone will feel bad for me. I’m not looking for sympathy or anyone’s pity. This isn’t a woe is me thing. This is a, I’m human thing and life kinda sucks sometimes. I’m well aware that a lot of people out there have a lot more going on than I do, but I also know that just because someone has it worse or harder than I do doesn’t mean what I’m feeling isn’t valid. So. Yeah.