Apparently, I’m not getting any sleep tonight until I get this out. My brain won’t allow it. Neither will the tightness in my chest.
Someone told me recently that they liked how I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. They read my blog, and I guess appreciated the honesty? I can be vulnerable in an online blog, because these aren’t words I have to say out loud to anyone. These aren’t real conversations I’m having, just words I’m spewing out onto the page, for whoever to read.
But honestly, I’m terrified of being vulnerable. The last time I really opened up to someone outside of my family and close group of friends, I was lied to and cheated on. The time before that, I was mentally and emotionally abused. Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit. I’m the girl who tries not to need anyone, even when I do. I’m the girl who is convinced she can do it all, because, since I was a child, depending on too many people hasn’t worked out for me. I’m the girl who feels guilty when people go out of their way for me, because I feel I don’t deserve it. I even felt bad one year for getting my 4 closest friends together to celebrate my birthday. Which they thought was insane, because obviously your best friends should want to celebrate your birthday.
But I’m also the girl who will go out of my way for the people I care about. I’m the girl who stretches herself too thin trying to take care of everyone around me. I’m the girl who keeps trying, no matter how many times I get hurt. I’m the girl who still gets her hopes up about a guy, even though I do everything I can to fight the feelings, and won’t admit to them. I’m the girl checking my phone for a text that probably won’t come. I’m the girl who puts on a brave face, no matter what.
At the end of the day though, I’m just a girl. I’m human. I have feelings- a lot of them. They’re natural. I’m not the only one who’s afraid of rejection, and I’m not the only one who has ever been rejected. But I act like it doesn’t bother me. I tell everyone that’s it’s fine. It’s not a big deal. It is what it is. I almost refuse to let anyone see me hurt. I hold in the tears that are fighting their way out. I can handle it. I’ve been through worse. At least, that’s what I tell myself. I minimize my own thoughts and feelings.
But, I’m just a girl.