Well, okay then…

Apparently, I’m not getting any sleep tonight until I get this out. My brain won’t allow it. Neither will the tightness in my chest.

Someone told me recently that they liked how I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. They read my blog, and I guess appreciated the honesty? I can be vulnerable in an online blog, because these aren’t words I have to say out loud to anyone. These aren’t real conversations I’m having, just words I’m spewing out onto the page, for whoever to read.

But honestly, I’m terrified of being vulnerable. The last time I really opened up to someone outside of my family and close group of friends, I was lied to and cheated on. The time before that, I was mentally and emotionally abused. Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit. I’m the girl who tries not to need anyone, even when I do. I’m the girl who is convinced she can do it all, because, since I was a child, depending on too many people hasn’t worked out for me. I’m the girl who feels guilty when people go out of their way for me, because I feel I don’t deserve it. I even felt bad one year for getting my 4 closest friends together to celebrate my birthday. Which they thought was insane, because obviously your best friends should want to celebrate your birthday.

But I’m also the girl who will go out of my way for the people I care about. I’m the girl who stretches herself too thin trying to take care of everyone around me. I’m the girl who keeps trying, no matter how many times I get hurt. I’m the girl who still gets her hopes up about a guy, even though I do everything I can to fight the feelings, and won’t admit to them. I’m the girl checking my phone for a text that probably won’t come. I’m the girl who puts on a brave face, no matter what.

At the end of the day though, I’m just a girl. I’m human. I have feelings- a lot of them. They’re natural. I’m not the only one who’s afraid of rejection, and I’m not the only one who has ever been rejected. But I act like it doesn’t bother me. I tell everyone that’s it’s fine. It’s not a big deal. It is what it is. I almost refuse to let anyone see me hurt. I hold in the tears that are fighting their way out. I can handle it. I’ve been through worse. At least, that’s what I tell myself. I minimize my own thoughts and feelings.

But, I’m just a girl.

In Quarantine with a Child

Ya’ll. This shit is bonkers.

How many of us are indefinitely stuck inside with our children? I don’t know what the rules are in different states, but in Oregon, even the playgrounds are closed due to COVID-19. Not that we could go outside if we wanted to, because it’s also pouring down rain.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, more than anything. But I was not cut out to be a stay at home mom. This is coming from someone WHO USED TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. But what do you do with your kids all day when you can’t even go outside? We read books. We played games. We made bracelets. We watched tv. We started a 1000 piece puzzle (well, I did. She did a few of her own, smaller puzzles). Still, boredom. We haven’t started any kind of homeschooling yet, because I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it.

How do we keep ourselves from wanting to pull our hair out at the end of the day? Because, dear reader, in case you were wondering how well the day ended, my darling 7-year-old daughter said she was done with me, as she stormed into her room to read by herself.

What. The. Fuck.

The (temporarily) unemployed single mom

Well everyone, this last Friday, my boss pulled me into her office, and motioned for me to close the door. My first thought was, what am I in trouble for now? I sat down and waited as she took a deep breath, and said, after the end of the day today, we’re closing our doors until at least May.

Fuck.

I started tearing up, which is definitely not the reaction I thought I’d have, since I don’t particularly like my job. But I’m a single mom. What am I supposed to do for money? How am I supposed to take care of my daughter. I filed for unemployment, but it’s not likely I’ll get very much money- if I even filled out the application right.

I work in childcare, and I babysit for a lot of the families outside of work. I already had a couple tell me that, in the event of a closure, I could still watch their kiddos as a way to make some extra money. However, one of those kids, her parents are both doctors. They said they’d pay me a weekly salary, and my first thought was, great! And then I weighed in the factors. Folks in the medical profession are on the front lines during all of this COVID-19 outbreak. Meaning, they’re at a high risk of exposure. Meaning, if I was consistently in the home of two doctors, I am also at high risk exposure. My daughter would also be at a high risk of exposure. Everyone around us would then be at a high risk of exposure. So that was a no-go. A second family approached me to watch their daughter as well. Both of these parents have been working from home since the beginning of March, and pulled their kid out of childcare a couple of weeks before shit started to really hit the fan. This seemed like much safer of an option. They have limited contact with people, and my daughter and I also have limited contact. It would only be a couple days a week, and every dollar counts at this point.

But then, as of today, March 23, a shelter-in-place order was set in the state of Oregon, where I live. I cannot even take my daughter to the park right now, let alone watch someone else’s kid. So now I have to hope and pray that unemployment will be enough to hold us over in the meantime. I’m very lucky that I rent a basement apartment in my aunt’s house, so my rent is ridiculously cheap. Who knows when I’ll get to see my family and friends again. This is all so, so surreal.

So, if anyone knows of some ways to make money from home, please, let me know!

I Can’t Breathe

There are papers scattered on my coffee table. More on the dining room table. The dishes in the dishwasher need to be put away. The laundry from last week needs to be put away, too. That is, before I start doing this week’s laundry.

I need to clean. I need to do the laundry. I need to put the dishes away. I have homework to do. A project to work on. Groceries to buy.

It’s too much. My chest is tight. My heart is racing. I feel like I can’t breathe.

This hasn’t happened in a while. I don’t mean the mess, but I mean my anxiety. I’ve been feeling so much better lately. I’ve stayed focused on what’s important. I haven’t been letting the little things get to me.

But as I sit on my couch, typing this, I stare at the papers on the table, and I can’t bring myself to get up and move them. It’s as if once I start cleaning, even just a little, I won’t be able to stop. But it’s late. It’s 10:35pm. Too late to start cleaning my whole house. But my other option is to stew. To worry about how much I have to do tomorrow.

Why is this hitting me now? Is it because the holidays are coming up? Because the dosage of my medication got cut in half? I think it’s more the holidays than it is the meds. Or maybe the higher dosage was doing more than I thought it was. I thought I was in control, but maybe I wasn’t.

Is this forever?

Is this how I’m always going to feel? Like there’s a weight on my chest and I can’t breathe? Like I’m never going to be completely happy ever again?

I’m overcome with sadness and exhaustion. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to sleep and forget any of this was happening.

I wanted to forget that you’re not here. I wanted to forget that I’ll never hear your voice again. Never see you. Never talk to you. I wanted to forget that you’re gone, but it’s all I think about. I miss you. So, so much.

They say that time makes it better, but it’s been two weeks and it’s just gotten worse. I get that two weeks isn’t a long time. But it also feels like it has been a lifetime. I’m living a different life without you here. But it’s not the same, and it’s definitely not better. I hate it. I hate this. I’d give anything to go back. I’d give anything to have you back.