Confessions of an anxiety-ridden, stressed out single mom

Here’s what’s going on today, my friends.

I met this guy. I’ve gone out with him a few times, and we have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh in a way that very few people can, he’s attractive, polite, smart, dedicated, and hard working. And then today I found myself incredibly irritated with him. I didn’t want to talk to him like, at all. Why? Who knows. I was grumpy, so I’m not sure if I was irritated because I was grumpy, or because he was being irritating. Maybe I’ll feel better about him tomorrow. I’m sure I will. Or I won’t, because I only like guys who aren’t actually available.

Secondly, my daughter went into full meltdown mode as soon as we got home tonight. We had gone to my brother’s house for dinner, and as soon as we walked through our front door, she as demanding snack. Stomping her foot, raising her voice, throwing herself on her bed because I was NOT about to give in. So what did I do? Tell her she couldn’t go to gymnastics on Tuesday, which got me the reaction I wanted from her, which was to be overly apologetic. Was this the right way to handle the situation? I have absolutely no idea. I pay for her to go to gymnastics. Should I be able to not allow her to go? I mean, I’m technically able. But is that the move I should make. I’m still sitting on it. But right now, she at least thinks that she’s not going to gymnastics, so I’ll call it a win.

Secondly, my daughter has only lost one tooth, but has a second tooth that is very, very loose. However, her second permanent tooth is already growing in behind the very loose tooth. Which I’m told (not by a dentist or anything, mind you), means that she will, one day, have to get braces. Have I consulted a professional about this? No. Am I going to stress out about it anyway? Duh. Braces are expensive. I’m worrying about spending money on something in the far out future. I’m worried about spending money on something that I don’t even know for sure I’ll have to spend money on. I’m worried about my 6 year old daughter having to get braces in, what? 5 years?

I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my anxiety meds today.

Social Media, Dating, and Anxiety

Okay, so I know I’ve talked about the struggle with dating, and the struggles I have with my anxiety. But let me just tell you about dating in the era of social media.

It. Is. The. Worst.

Dating is rough enough as it is. I sometimes feel like I literally have no time for it. But when I find someone I actually do like talking to, someone that I will make time for, it’s great.

Until the freaking internet gets involved.

You haven’t heard from the person. You figure they’re busy, working or running errands. So you start browsing Facebook, only to see that they’re online.

Cue the questions, the scenarios, the negative thoughts that the anxiety is rushing to your brain.

Are they ignoring you? Did you say something wrong? Were you too forward? Did they just decide they didn’t want to talk to you anymore? They read your message, why didn’t they respond??

It’s even worse if you happened to meet that person on a dating website, and you can see that, while they’re still not texting back, they’re online. Chatting up other girls. Finding people who are far more interesting to talk to than you are.

I’m not saying anybody is doing anything wrong in this situation. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating, right? Talk to and go out with a few different people in hopes of finding the right one? If I’m being completely honest, I do the exact same thing. I’ll start talking to one guy, then I might start a conversation with another. Eventually, I find myself talking to one more than the other, and then the conversation with the guy I’m talking to less eventually fades out. Granted, most of them are guys I never get the chance to actually meet. As a single mom, the majority of guys I go out with are guys that I met online. But the online aspect is what keeps me from holding myself accountable. Since I’ve never met them in person, I feel like I don’t owe them any type of explanation when I decide not to text them back. I tell myself, it wasn’t going to go anywhere or amount to anything anyway, so what’s the point?

I’m not a bad person. But it’s not fair to use the internet as an excuse to not be honest with people. Blowing somebody off is easier than rejecting them, but it’s such a shitty thing to do to someone. Nobody deserves to have to question themselves, and ask why they’re not good enough for another person.

I really believe that my generation is one of the most accepting, caring, and loving generations in history. We’re all about kindness, self-love, self-care, consent. For the most part, we think before we speak. We choose our actions wisely. We want to save the planet, and the sea turtles. We listen to people’s stories, and we believe them, and encourage them. We tell people how brave they are for speaking out about past traumatic events.

But, we’re also the generation that invented ghosting. With things like Tinder, we turned dating into the most superficial thing imaginable. We hardly even give people a chance anymore, if they don’t meet our physical expectations. We’re constantly competing for other peoples’ attention, yet love the feeling of other people competing for ours.

So how great are we, really??

🤷🏻‍♀️

You guys. I leaned how to change a tire today. Which may not sound like a huge deal, but it is to me. Every time I learn how to do something like that on my own, I get super proud of myself. The more I know how to do, the less I have to call on other people for help.

I mean. I have a lot of people to call, who will help me out no matter what. Maybe it’s because I’m single, or maybe it’s because I’m stubborn, but I hate asking. Not because I’m too proud, but because I feel bad. I feel like I’m inconveniencing the other person, because they had to take the time to come help me. And I’m well aware of how busy everybody is.

I’m more than happy to go out of my way when somebody needs me, but I have it in my head that everyone else gets annoyed with me.

Is this true? That the people that care about me get annoyed when I need help with something? Absolutely not. But that’s anxiety for you. Always telling you the worst is true.

So yes. I can now add changing a tire to the list of things I can do on my own, along with unclogging a toilet and putting ikea furniture together- even though I don’t know quite how to hang things yet. I’ll get there though.