Karma

I’m not sure you could say we were ever really friends. We met, and that was it. We dove in head first and didn’t look back. We didn’t think about the consequences. I ignored the red flags, because I’m sure there had to have been some, right? But we were crazy about each other in the beginning, and that’s all that mattered to us.

But we were never friends.

We never took the time to get to know each other like friends do. I don’t remember us ever talking about what we wanted in the future for ourselves. We were living in the here and now, and thought we could somehow build a future together, without ever having a conversation about it.

No, we weren’t friends then. And we certainly aren’t now.

Fast forward to us screaming at each other for hours. You somehow managed to get me away from my friends, and got close to taking me away from my family, too. Did you know they used to wait to call me until they knew you weren’t around? You managed to drive a wedge between my sister and I- the one person who knows me inside and out. Who knows what I’ve been through because she was there for it too. And I couldn’t talk to her. You didn’t like her, so you didn’t like me talking to her. And the wedge you drove between the two of us caused a wedge between my family and I as well. My family wasn’t going to choose your side over hers. They were never going to agree with your harsh, harsh words against her. And as long as I was with you, I was in the middle of it all. But I lived with you. So I agreed with you to make you happy. I listened because if I didn’t, you’d yell at me too.

But then again, you’d yell at me anyway.

You were all I had because that’s how you wanted it. When I tried to leave, you told me nobody else would ever want me, that they’d never want to put up with me. You’d make threats about taking my daughter away. And I wasn’t working at the time. I had no money. I had no choice but to believe you. So I stayed. But when I stayed, everything I did made you angry, which, in turn, made you threaten to kick me out when I felt I had nowhere to go. You made me feel worthless because you told me I was. Every. Single. Day. You made me feel like I couldn’t take care of my own daughter because you constantly told me I was a bad mother. You changed me into a person I never was before. I no longer felt I could have an opinion about anything unless it was the same as yours. I didn’t stand up for myself. I wasn’t confident. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t laugh and rarely ever smiled.

You said unspeakable things to me. And you did unspeakable things to me.

I’m not blameless in this. I’ll admit that. I started to lie to you and hide things from you. I turned to someone outside of our relationship that I never should have been talking to in the first place. At least, not at that time. And for that, I have always been truly sorry.

But now, you have nobody. No friends. No family. So you call me when you’re ‘going through something’. You ‘re having a tough time finding a job right now. That sucks. But you call me to vent? Why?

We. Are. Not. Friends.

Yes. You gave me a beautiful daughter, who is my whole world. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. And you are a good father, I’ll give you that. Our daughter deserves to have both of us. Generally speaking, you and I are pretty civilized. We’re raising a child together, yet apart. We have to be friendly. I have to be friendly. But that doesn’t make us friends.

It isn’t fair of you to try and turn to me when you need someone. It’s not mu fault you don’t have anybody. It’s yours. After everything you put me through, do you really think I’m going to be your shoulder to lean on? The sound of your voice still makes my insides cringe if I listen to it long enough.

As for what you’re going through, I don’t want anything bad to happen to you, for our daughter’s sake. She’d be devastated. So while I don’t want anything to happen, I’m not surprised it is. After all, what goes around comes around, right?

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