Is this forever?

Is this how I’m always going to feel? Like there’s a weight on my chest and I can’t breathe? Like I’m never going to be completely happy ever again?

I’m overcome with sadness and exhaustion. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to sleep and forget any of this was happening.

I wanted to forget that you’re not here. I wanted to forget that I’ll never hear your voice again. Never see you. Never talk to you. I wanted to forget that you’re gone, but it’s all I think about. I miss you. So, so much.

They say that time makes it better, but it’s been two weeks and it’s just gotten worse. I get that two weeks isn’t a long time. But it also feels like it has been a lifetime. I’m living a different life without you here. But it’s not the same, and it’s definitely not better. I hate it. I hate this. I’d give anything to go back. I’d give anything to have you back.

Why do we always wait?

So many things on my mind today. Like the fact that, earlier, I realized I recycled all of the cards my dad ever gave to me. Every single birthday card I had from him was tossed a couple months ago. And I know exactly what happened. I remember what I was thinking. I was thinking, why do I keep all of these? I was thinking that I’d get another card from him this year. In a couple months, when my birthday is. And now I have nothing. I have nothing with my dads handwriting on it. It’s all gone.

Tonight, we’re gathering together to celebrate his life. My whole family, and a lot of our friends are going out to the bar that my dad always went to, where the bartenders and a majority of the patrons knew my father before I was even born. And it’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to go out to celebrate my father’s life, because I don’t want to acknowledge the fact that he’s gone. I hate that that’s the reason we’re doing this tonight. I hate the fact that he’s not here. And at some point, I’m going to have to start acting like things are ‘going back to normal’. But nothing about this is normal. Nothing will ever be normal again. Not without my dad.

Why do we wait until the people we love have passed to celebrate them? All of the good things people have been saying about my dad this last week? Why didn’t anyone every say any of those things to his face? Why didn’t I ever tell him how much he meant to me? Why didn’t any of us? Why do we treat people like they’re going to be around forever?

I Miss You…

The only reason I can’t say for sure that I don’t believe in God is because I want to believe that the people I love, who I’ve lost, are in a better place now than they were before they passed.

Yesterday I sat with my father, and watched and listened as he took his last breath.

Have you ever watched someone dying? Have you ever seen what it looks like when someone is breathing, but they’re not responsive? Do you know what it sounds like?

It looks like their chest moving up and down. Sometimes his eyes would flicker open, and others it looked like he was blinking with his eyes closed. He’d move his tongue in his mouth, like maybe he wanted to tell us something. There were quite a few times where he’d breathe in, breathe out, and stop breathing for what felt like a life time, only to gasp for air at the last minute. Almost like he was holding his breath, trying to let go, trying to leave this world, but couldn’t fight the feeling any longer, and he had to breathe in.

Until he didn’t anymore. And he was gone.

I’ve pictured the moment so many times in my head, what it would be like when my father passed away. I imagined being at work, and getting a call from my brother that our dad wasn’t with us anymore. There was no scenario where I pictured I’d be sitting with him the entire time, with my two big brothers, my little sister, and our whole family surrounding us. But that was the best way it could have happened. My dad loved his family more than anything.

I’m lucky in the way that I have no regrets about my relationship with my father. He and I were very close. I can say for sure that I did everything I could to help him whenever he needed it, and I always told him I loved him and that I missed him. I spent as much time with him as I could, whenever I could. The last time I saw him, when he was still awake and alert, I kissed him on the cheek, told him I loved him, and that I’d see him tomorrow. Which I guess I did, but not in the way I thought I would.

A day and a half later, I keep having to remind myself that he’s gone. I look at pictures of him and it doesn’t seem real.

I am completely uninterested in living in a world without my father. Not in a way like I’m going to hurt myself or anything like that, but in a way that it feels empty. There will always be something missing. My father will always be missing. How am I supposed to move on and act like things are normal after this? Nothing will be normal after this, ever again.

I hate this. More than anything. I hate this so much. I’d give anything to have him back. If I had known that our last good day with him was going to be our last good day, I would have paid more attention. I would have committed every last detail to memory. I’d listen to his laugh, the sound of his voice. I’d pay extra attention to his light blue eyes, and the way he smiled at me when he told me he loved me.

Oh God, Daddy, I miss you.

What am I supposed to do without my dad?

Confessions of an anxiety-ridden, stressed out single mom

Here’s what’s going on today, my friends.

I met this guy. I’ve gone out with him a few times, and we have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh in a way that very few people can, he’s attractive, polite, smart, dedicated, and hard working. And then today I found myself incredibly irritated with him. I didn’t want to talk to him like, at all. Why? Who knows. I was grumpy, so I’m not sure if I was irritated because I was grumpy, or because he was being irritating. Maybe I’ll feel better about him tomorrow. I’m sure I will. Or I won’t, because I only like guys who aren’t actually available.

Secondly, my daughter went into full meltdown mode as soon as we got home tonight. We had gone to my brother’s house for dinner, and as soon as we walked through our front door, she as demanding snack. Stomping her foot, raising her voice, throwing herself on her bed because I was NOT about to give in. So what did I do? Tell her she couldn’t go to gymnastics on Tuesday, which got me the reaction I wanted from her, which was to be overly apologetic. Was this the right way to handle the situation? I have absolutely no idea. I pay for her to go to gymnastics. Should I be able to not allow her to go? I mean, I’m technically able. But is that the move I should make. I’m still sitting on it. But right now, she at least thinks that she’s not going to gymnastics, so I’ll call it a win.

Secondly, my daughter has only lost one tooth, but has a second tooth that is very, very loose. However, her second permanent tooth is already growing in behind the very loose tooth. Which I’m told (not by a dentist or anything, mind you), means that she will, one day, have to get braces. Have I consulted a professional about this? No. Am I going to stress out about it anyway? Duh. Braces are expensive. I’m worrying about spending money on something in the far out future. I’m worried about spending money on something that I don’t even know for sure I’ll have to spend money on. I’m worried about my 6 year old daughter having to get braces in, what? 5 years?

I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my anxiety meds today.

Social Media, Dating, and Anxiety

Okay, so I know I’ve talked about the struggle with dating, and the struggles I have with my anxiety. But let me just tell you about dating in the era of social media.

It. Is. The. Worst.

Dating is rough enough as it is. I sometimes feel like I literally have no time for it. But when I find someone I actually do like talking to, someone that I will make time for, it’s great.

Until the freaking internet gets involved.

You haven’t heard from the person. You figure they’re busy, working or running errands. So you start browsing Facebook, only to see that they’re online.

Cue the questions, the scenarios, the negative thoughts that the anxiety is rushing to your brain.

Are they ignoring you? Did you say something wrong? Were you too forward? Did they just decide they didn’t want to talk to you anymore? They read your message, why didn’t they respond??

It’s even worse if you happened to meet that person on a dating website, and you can see that, while they’re still not texting back, they’re online. Chatting up other girls. Finding people who are far more interesting to talk to than you are.

I’m not saying anybody is doing anything wrong in this situation. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating, right? Talk to and go out with a few different people in hopes of finding the right one? If I’m being completely honest, I do the exact same thing. I’ll start talking to one guy, then I might start a conversation with another. Eventually, I find myself talking to one more than the other, and then the conversation with the guy I’m talking to less eventually fades out. Granted, most of them are guys I never get the chance to actually meet. As a single mom, the majority of guys I go out with are guys that I met online. But the online aspect is what keeps me from holding myself accountable. Since I’ve never met them in person, I feel like I don’t owe them any type of explanation when I decide not to text them back. I tell myself, it wasn’t going to go anywhere or amount to anything anyway, so what’s the point?

I’m not a bad person. But it’s not fair to use the internet as an excuse to not be honest with people. Blowing somebody off is easier than rejecting them, but it’s such a shitty thing to do to someone. Nobody deserves to have to question themselves, and ask why they’re not good enough for another person.

I really believe that my generation is one of the most accepting, caring, and loving generations in history. We’re all about kindness, self-love, self-care, consent. For the most part, we think before we speak. We choose our actions wisely. We want to save the planet, and the sea turtles. We listen to people’s stories, and we believe them, and encourage them. We tell people how brave they are for speaking out about past traumatic events.

But, we’re also the generation that invented ghosting. With things like Tinder, we turned dating into the most superficial thing imaginable. We hardly even give people a chance anymore, if they don’t meet our physical expectations. We’re constantly competing for other peoples’ attention, yet love the feeling of other people competing for ours.

So how great are we, really??

🤷🏻‍♀️

You guys. I leaned how to change a tire today. Which may not sound like a huge deal, but it is to me. Every time I learn how to do something like that on my own, I get super proud of myself. The more I know how to do, the less I have to call on other people for help.

I mean. I have a lot of people to call, who will help me out no matter what. Maybe it’s because I’m single, or maybe it’s because I’m stubborn, but I hate asking. Not because I’m too proud, but because I feel bad. I feel like I’m inconveniencing the other person, because they had to take the time to come help me. And I’m well aware of how busy everybody is.

I’m more than happy to go out of my way when somebody needs me, but I have it in my head that everyone else gets annoyed with me.

Is this true? That the people that care about me get annoyed when I need help with something? Absolutely not. But that’s anxiety for you. Always telling you the worst is true.

So yes. I can now add changing a tire to the list of things I can do on my own, along with unclogging a toilet and putting ikea furniture together- even though I don’t know quite how to hang things yet. I’ll get there though.

Random Rant

I should be going to bed right now. Or doing homework, since I’m obviously not going to bed. But I need to get some stuff out.

  1.  I could have literally cried when I got home today. My living room is currently being remodeled (used to be a garage, but they tore down the walls and now it’s gonna be a living room). Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to amazing once it’s finished. But they were sanding walls today and there was dust EVERYWHERE. A lot of it. In a very thick layer. Which meant I had to spend 45 minutes wiping down all the kitchen counters before I could even get around to cooking dinner. Which meant dinner was super late because it took an hour to bake. Which meant I got to spend pretty much no time with my daughter, who was frustrated that I was busy and couldn’t spend time with her. Not to mention the fact that I had to change the sheets on her bed right before bedtime because even her bed got dusty.
  2. I’m lonely and I’m currently feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone. While I understand that these things aren’t true (and I’m not writing this so anyone takes pity on me), it’s hard not to feel that way from time to time. I work hard. I’m smart. I’m attractive. I’m a loving and caring person. But here’s the thing. I’m sassy. And overtime I meet someone, they think it’s sooo great, and they tell me I have such a great sense of humor and blah blah blah. Then, a few months down the road, it becomes a problem. The thing about me that was once so great suddenly isn’t, and I can’t do a damn thing about it because that’s literally who I am. But I also am aware that I use my sarcastic attitude as a defense mechanism. If I’m constantly making jokes about things, then nobody ever knows how I really feel, and I won’t get hurt. It takes a while for me to trust people and for my walls to come down, and it’s not until said walls are down that I show how much I really care about someone. But I have yet to find someone (other than my closest friends, of course) who is willing to stick around long enough for this to happen. My sassiness becomes a problem and Boom. They’re gone.
  3. I am so fucking busy and I hate only having two days to ‘recoup’ from the week and get everything done that I need to get done. Seriously. I am quite literally trying to maintain working full time, parenting full time, going to school full time, spending time with my family, and spending time with my friends. I stay up doing homework every night, and often on the weekends as well. I’m so happy to be going back to school, and I actually enjoy the classes I’ve been taking, and I’m excited about where my education will take me in the future, but I have a heavy load this term and it’s really taking its toll. But I also like spending time with my friends. And I like spending time with my family. Then comes Sunday when I have to do laundry, clean, grocery shop and whatever else because I actually decided to do what I wanted-not what I needed- on Saturday. Then I have to feel guilty about having fun because now I’m overloaded with chores and errands. My stress and anxiety is through the roof. It’s bullshit and I’m over it.

Please note, I do not write these things down so anyone will feel bad for me. I’m not looking for sympathy or anyone’s pity. This isn’t a woe is me thing. This is a, I’m human thing and life kinda sucks sometimes. I’m well aware that a lot of people out there have a lot more going on than I do, but I also know that just because someone has it worse or harder than I do doesn’t mean what I’m feeling isn’t valid. So. Yeah.

End rant.